Cancer is a cruel bitch. Tomorrow I have to attend a funeral of a man who failed to live to see his 45th birthday, which is heart breaking in and of itself.
What's really sad is that this isn't a shock anymore. This is not the first funeral I've attended of a cancer victim and I know it won't be the last. What makes this more poignant is that the first person I lost to *C* had the same type down to the minute details that this person struggled with so I don't have to imagine what he and his family and friends went through over these past months. I already know.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Friday, 17 May 2013
Saturday, 29 September 2012
iPod Dictates
Hello there, long time no read, I am currently testing out the free iPod app for Dragon NaturallySpeaking version 12 which works as a wireless microphone for the software.
I'm currently using both the app with the software to dictate this blog post. I'm quite impressed with it so far, but find that unless the room is completely quiet I need to hold the iPod quite close to my mouth to have it to translate accurately. Fortunately with my television muted I can place my iPod down on the table in front of me and talk normally.
Tuesday, 31 July 2012
Stressed Out
I'm feeling stressed out and totally fed up. Disgusted. Terrified. Angry. Furious Even. All those lovely negative things that are regular visitors to my life.
Thursday, 5 July 2012
Here I Go Again
Well, another WCA dropped through my letter box mid afternoon, so again I have to fill it in and wait to see if I'm found miraculously 'fit for work' with or without the infamous ATOS medical.
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
What Cha Doing?
To quote my youngest nephew, "What Cha Doing?", and I'm learning how to to do things like video blogging and pod-casting.
As I am still in the early learning process of creating my own videos I have also been looking into embedding audio files - pod-casts I believe they are referred to - for when I am unable to sit and use my computer/laptop to physically type up content for my blogs.
I bought this really cheap Computer Gear microphone and am blown away by the audio quality it provides, I tested it out using the free Audacity software to create audio files. It really surprised me even sounding better - to me anyway - than my live chat headset I got for learning voice recognition on my laptop. Or rather my Mother's laptop, I must remember that, but she wants to get the full use of her laptop so it's not sitting in it's bag between the times she wants to use it. So it sits by default in my room and it's a big help when I am unable to sleep or unable to sit comfortably enough to sit in the living room with my desktop.
I can rest my weary bones on my much more comfortable memory foam mattress in my room when required and still not go round the bend with nothing to do. I find using my pc to be a great help especially on days and weeks where the walls are coming in on me and I'm not physically able to get out. Thank you very much for technology!
As well as giving me access to the world outside my four walls, it helps me by reminding me to take my medications, when to pay my bills so I don't forget and have to also pay charges, and stops me becoming even more solitary than my disability already does.
I can talk, virtually speaking, to others like myself who are house bound or trapped due to illness. People who understand completely, allowing me to be less alone in this whole she-bang.
I lived through my spinal deformities and all the health woes and pains it caused me and all I had access to was books while trapped in my bed for days on end only seeing anyone else when they returned from school/work that day and I couldn't expect them to 'entertain' me the rest of time. It wasn't fair to them. So I spent hours, and hours, and hours alone with only my pain and thoughts for company. So believe me technology is a big help and at least a companion for me when I am physically alone.
Sometimes technology is the truly the best medicine.
As I am still in the early learning process of creating my own videos I have also been looking into embedding audio files - pod-casts I believe they are referred to - for when I am unable to sit and use my computer/laptop to physically type up content for my blogs.
I bought this really cheap Computer Gear microphone and am blown away by the audio quality it provides, I tested it out using the free Audacity software to create audio files. It really surprised me even sounding better - to me anyway - than my live chat headset I got for learning voice recognition on my laptop. Or rather my Mother's laptop, I must remember that, but she wants to get the full use of her laptop so it's not sitting in it's bag between the times she wants to use it. So it sits by default in my room and it's a big help when I am unable to sleep or unable to sit comfortably enough to sit in the living room with my desktop.
I can rest my weary bones on my much more comfortable memory foam mattress in my room when required and still not go round the bend with nothing to do. I find using my pc to be a great help especially on days and weeks where the walls are coming in on me and I'm not physically able to get out. Thank you very much for technology!
As well as giving me access to the world outside my four walls, it helps me by reminding me to take my medications, when to pay my bills so I don't forget and have to also pay charges, and stops me becoming even more solitary than my disability already does.
I can talk, virtually speaking, to others like myself who are house bound or trapped due to illness. People who understand completely, allowing me to be less alone in this whole she-bang.
I lived through my spinal deformities and all the health woes and pains it caused me and all I had access to was books while trapped in my bed for days on end only seeing anyone else when they returned from school/work that day and I couldn't expect them to 'entertain' me the rest of time. It wasn't fair to them. So I spent hours, and hours, and hours alone with only my pain and thoughts for company. So believe me technology is a big help and at least a companion for me when I am physically alone.
Sometimes technology is the truly the best medicine.
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Let's Talk About It
We are inundated with unsolicited advice when we go out in public, so much so we dread travelling outside our house.
Will parking in the supermarket and displaying my blue badge mean some random stranger to launch a scrounger hate filled rhetoric in my direction? Or will this be the time that it stops being verbal and turns to something physical? Is it worth the risk to find out?
These are thoughts that I wrestle with more and more these days, every retelling from another disabled individual fuels my fear for my own safety while doing something that millions do everyday. Shop for food.
Disabled hate crime is disgusting, even more disgusting is that it's those charged with supporting and helping us have any kind of life who is fuelling this fire of hatred.
Discrimination of all types is morally and legally wrong.
Why is disabled hate crimes not considered just as vile as someone verbally and physically attacking another person because of their skin colour, religion or sexual orientation?
Will parking in the supermarket and displaying my blue badge mean some random stranger to launch a scrounger hate filled rhetoric in my direction? Or will this be the time that it stops being verbal and turns to something physical? Is it worth the risk to find out?
These are thoughts that I wrestle with more and more these days, every retelling from another disabled individual fuels my fear for my own safety while doing something that millions do everyday. Shop for food.
Disabled hate crime is disgusting, even more disgusting is that it's those charged with supporting and helping us have any kind of life who is fuelling this fire of hatred.
Discrimination of all types is morally and legally wrong.
Why is disabled hate crimes not considered just as vile as someone verbally and physically attacking another person because of their skin colour, religion or sexual orientation?
Friday, 2 March 2012
How Do I?
How do I explain to you how I feel? How it feels to be in pain 24/7, seven days a week, 52 weeks a year?
Just how to you go about explaining it?
I've sat down more times than I care to remember to put my thoughts on this into words adequate enough to explain how it feels to be me.
Sometimes I lie awake silently begging invisible Gods and Goddesses to help me, to stop the pain just for a few minutes, a couple of hours or even for a whole day. What would I do with a full day without the pain that has become my constant companion. My invisible life-partner.
Invisible to everyone but me who feels it's presence even on any good or fairly good days I might have.
Along with the illnesses, diseases, disorders or however who would class them I also have other invisible life partner. One is called depression, another stress, another nerves, another frustration ... the list of these life partners are endless. Or at least feel this way to me. Every-time I name one another appears to take it's place.
How do I explain to those who are supposed to help me, therapists, doctors, specialist, friends, family and politicians alike. How do I explain to those who don't want to understand?
My body is a battle ground and every second of every day it is being fought over relentlessly by all these invisible enemies. My body is a field of war, but how do I explain this? How do I explain how I feel?
How to I explain the fear that live with?
Will this be the appointment when I am given yet another disease or disorder to add to my list of afflictions. Is this the day I am given the one which will take what little life I have from me?
How do I explain?
Can you tell me?
Just how to you go about explaining it?
I've sat down more times than I care to remember to put my thoughts on this into words adequate enough to explain how it feels to be me.
Sometimes I lie awake silently begging invisible Gods and Goddesses to help me, to stop the pain just for a few minutes, a couple of hours or even for a whole day. What would I do with a full day without the pain that has become my constant companion. My invisible life-partner.
Invisible to everyone but me who feels it's presence even on any good or fairly good days I might have.
Along with the illnesses, diseases, disorders or however who would class them I also have other invisible life partner. One is called depression, another stress, another nerves, another frustration ... the list of these life partners are endless. Or at least feel this way to me. Every-time I name one another appears to take it's place.
How do I explain to those who are supposed to help me, therapists, doctors, specialist, friends, family and politicians alike. How do I explain to those who don't want to understand?
My body is a battle ground and every second of every day it is being fought over relentlessly by all these invisible enemies. My body is a field of war, but how do I explain this? How do I explain how I feel?
How to I explain the fear that live with?
Will this be the appointment when I am given yet another disease or disorder to add to my list of afflictions. Is this the day I am given the one which will take what little life I have from me?
How do I explain?
Can you tell me?
Monday, 13 February 2012
Painful Me
My jaw/gum pain is battling against my joints and other painful areas to see who is the victor at the moment. The weekend just a cloud of pain-filled memories. Yuck!
After getting my tooth extracted on Friday I stood on my trembling legs in the dentist's reception area thanking all deities that I had my crutches to stop me landing in an undignified heap on the floor in front of the others there.
After getting my tooth extracted on Friday I stood on my trembling legs in the dentist's reception area thanking all deities that I had my crutches to stop me landing in an undignified heap on the floor in front of the others there.
Thursday, 9 February 2012
Depressed
Quite honestly I feel like lying down and crying myself to sleep. Hoping when I wake up that my life will be better. Or my legs/hips/back will be all healed up and usable once again.
I have just had the Occupational Therapist visit from the social work department/council I am getting the hand-grip attached to my bed to allow me to get in/out and pull myself up with rather than reaching over my head to struggle using the bed-frame which I've been resorted to.
I have just had the Occupational Therapist visit from the social work department/council I am getting the hand-grip attached to my bed to allow me to get in/out and pull myself up with rather than reaching over my head to struggle using the bed-frame which I've been resorted to.
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