Friday, 17 May 2013

Cruel B*tch

Cancer is a cruel bitch. Tomorrow I have to attend a funeral of a man who failed to live to see his 45th birthday, which is heart breaking in and of itself.

What's really sad is that this isn't a shock anymore. This is not the first funeral I've attended of a cancer victim and I know it won't be the last. What makes this more poignant is that the first person I lost to *C* had the same type down to the minute details that this person struggled with so I don't have to imagine what he and his family and friends went through over these past months. I already know.

Just a few short weeks ago I attended a close maternal relations funeral after he succumbed to his battle against cancer. It seems never ending.

What really shocked me is the break down I had. Yup. The day after this passing I broke down when the memories (and emotions) of the last two close family I nursed through their final months came crashing down on me.

When I nursed my aunt and uncle over six years ago I can't remember shedding more than a few tears, I felt totally numb and disjointed from reality during this time and had never broke down in unstoppable tears complete with shortness of breath and an inability to stop until I ran out of tears. Strange isn't it? I hadn't responded this way to any of those I have sadly lost yet the death of someone who is practically a stranger to me, whom I have never had a single one on one conversation with, resulted in a melt down of epic proportions.

It's a early start tomorrow as the service is first thing, I am only attending the church ceremony for obvious reasons which for once have absolutely nothing to do with my limitations or disabilities.

I think after almost a week of deep thinking of this that the reason I broke down is that now I hadn't zoned out due to self defence, like when dealing with the death of a close loved one, I wasn't prepared for it. It came out of the blue, I hadn't had weeks and months of living in the living nightmare of watching a loved one dying and living in excruciating pain to 'get used' for want of a better phrase to the eventual loss. This time as I was associated on a personal emotional level it hit me when I had no barricades or walls to hide behind and opened Pandora's Box of repressed emotions from these numb periods of my life.

That is my best reasoning for my meltdown. It makes sense, kind of, in a strange way.

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